People You Need To Meet #43: Karin Forbes

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What do I wish I knew before my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer? I’ll tell you what I’m glad I didn’t know, because these things are too horrible to know in advance, and knowing these things wouldn’t have helped in this horrific journey…

I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to know how quickly he would  lose his ability to talk, to move, and to eat or drink.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know that he may not have been able to see or hear.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know that he would be told no hope, that there was nothing anyone could do.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know he would be suffering seizures, or about the many, many hospital visits.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know that I would have to make life decisions for him that doctors didn’t trust he could make.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know that that my love who didn’t take so much as an aspirin, would be taking long lists of ever changing  medications.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know how this strong man, who took such good care of himself,  would bloat, and have reactions from medications.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know all the nursing skills I would have to perform with on the spot training.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know how my heart would be ripped apart watching the man I loved suffer and wither.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know that I would see his beautiful eyes fill with so much sadness as he knew he was dying.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know that his life would be over long before his death.

I sure wouldn’t have wanted to know I would lose my husband, my children’s father, my best friend, my confidant, my everything, my world, five months from diagnosis.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know we would never hear, see, or feel anything about him,  ever again.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know the enduring pain to my very core.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know that this man who worked hard every day of his life, would never see one day of his retirement, or one of our retirement plans come to be.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know that our family life as we knew it, would be soon be over.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know my children’s pain from the loss of their dad.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know that some would  add to our pain with words or acts or lack of either.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know the greed some would have after the death of my beloved.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know how some would disappear after his death.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know that my future entailed widow fog and being unable to concentrate.

I  wouldn’t have wanted to know that I would lack desires and no longer love life.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know that I would have post traumatic stress.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know that my health would suffer, and I’d be badly hurt in an accident, or that accidents are common among the grieving.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know the long duration of grief,  and depression I would endure.

I wouldn’t have wanted to know because I needed hope to fight for him. If I had known these things, I would have been too distraught  to function. If this horrific  journey had been given to me in black and white print, I still could not have known the depths of this nightmare. I had to believe in a miracle; I had to have hope.

How I wish that I and the others who suffer had never heard of brain cancer because there were no such thing.

There is one thing I wish I knew…
The one thing I wish I knew was that I didn’t have to be so alone with this. There are online groups of people who share this grief, some are now fighting this monster. They give each other encouragement, love, and knowledge that I so needed in this terrible time.

I now belong to a group of women caregivers who are all on,  or have been on this same terrible road brain cancer takes us down. It’s heartbreaking because I know what they are going through.
I also know that unlike me, they aren’t alone because we band together for each other. We are special Warriors who all wish we had never been in this horrific battle.

Did I learn anything on this horrific journey?
I already knew the depths of our love, and that we would die for each other. I knew of his strength and his heart. We had found out long ago that material things just don’t matter. How blessed we were to have each other and such a deep love! We already cherished every day together.
We didn’t need illness to bring that realization.

I learned that GBM is horrific beyond words, not at all rare, and a thief of the very worst kind.

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