Commitment vs. Devotion

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UncleJerry&AuntDonnainDoorway

I was a child when my uncle Jerry died. I remember him through that lens… they are all fond memories. He was the jokester in our family, always ready with a harmless prank. And they were harmless, that was part of the appeal. You could trust him. He didn’t go too far.

He was a successful businessman and well loved in the community. He died of a massive heart attack at age 44. His funeral is one of the first I ever went to. Watching my grandmother and aunt (his wife) deal with his loss was my first real lesson in grief. There was no crazy wailing, although I’m sure  they wanted to rage out. My aunt was fairly stoic. Not cold, just stunned. My grandmother cried, and I remember a cousin telling me that she heard our grandmother say, “I just want you to open up those big blue eyes and say, ‘Mama’ “ as she stood over his coffin.

If there was a family member who didn’t cherish him, I was unaware of it. He was my mother’s brother, and I guess in some families my aunt might have drifted away, but not in ours. She was a fixture at my grandmother’s house for decades – until my grandmother died.

When I got a little older, my aunt would often include me and my cousins in trips to her beach house. (She was not the only generous family member who did things like this, but this is a story for her.) I learned how to fold a fitted sheet on one of those trips. I ate cauliflower for the first time. I had a sundae with both chocolate AND caramel on it. The best kind of memories were made.

At some point, years after my uncle had died, I asked my aunt why she wasn’t dating. She was so fun and such a vital person. She told me that my uncle was the only one for her, and then said, “Do you remember his laugh?” She had such a great smile on her face when she said that, and I kind of knew then that what they had couldn’t be replaced. She might find a substitute, but she was content with her memories of him.

As it turns out, she never married again. I think she has been happy. At least she always seems that way to me. Her two daughters gave her lots of grandchildren, and she has always remained as active as her circumstances would allow.

I thought of her this morning. Of her relationship and the example she set with how she has lived her life. And it came to me that she was in a devoted relationship with my uncle. So many settle for “committed”, when we should really wait for devotion.

What’s the difference? Well, the dictionary says that committed means “to pledge (oneself) to a position on an issue or question; express (one’s intention, feeling, etc.)”.

By contrast, devoted means, “zealous or ardent in attachment, loyalty, or affection.” (Don’t confuse this with obsession… that’s a whole other story.)

But to me, devotion is when your unconscious thought leads you to care for someone. It’s the way a good parent feels about their child. I am truly blessed to be in a devoted romantic relationship, and people ask about it all the time. I’m not sure what they see, but they can tell it’s different. I struggle to put into words how it feels because it always sounds arrogant, and it is not a boastful thing. However, so many people settle for committed, that I wanted to try and put it to words for you.

• Love is preferring one person’s laugh to everyone else in the world.
• Love is fun. It’s like seeing a blockbuster summer film that no one else has seen yet. It’s so amazing and awesome that you want everyone else to experience it, too.
• Love is taking care of their needs before your own – not because you are being nice, but because they are the first thing on your mind.
• Love is 100% reciprocal. (I used to think that one person always loved more than another, but I don’t believe that anymore.)

• Love is not Ross and Rachel from “Friends”. If one partner is acting like Ross, there is no way that relationship will work long term without the other person being truly miserable.
• Love is not work. I’m probably going to irritate a lot of people with that statement, but I owe it to the young people I know to be honest about this. When you are with the right person, it really isn’t work. I know it sounds corny, but you really want the other person to be happy so much that you find the compromises pretty easily and quickly.
• Love does not control you. It won’t tell you who to choose as friends or how to spend your time. (“Honey-do” lists not withstanding.)
• Love builds you up. I can list a million reasons why I love Richard, but the most shocking thing about our relationship is that he can also list a million reasons about me. We both tell each other those things all the time. I joke that I have to harass him a little just so his ego won’t be too big, but I adore him and he knows it.
• Love isn’t jealous. Not just of another person, but of anything. We don’t worry about each other’s loyalty. We both have healthy relationships with friends of the opposite sex. Neither of us are worried about those relationships because we are devoted to each other.

There are lots of other things that love is or it isn’t. If you have a doubt in your mind, then that probably isn’t the real thing. I know that is harsh. I’m sorry for that. I  know a lot of people in committed relationships who have built happy lives for themselves, but it isn’t the same as being devoted. If you still have that choice in front of you, my wish for you is that you hold out for devoted.

What is Your Field of Dreams?

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Field of DreamsIt occurred to me today that I don’t really get to talk to our supporters enough. Working on Dragon Master Foundation has turned into a full-time volunteer job for me, and most of the time, my head is down on one project or another. The work doesn’t stop coming, but I am so thankful to be in this position – doing this on behalf of cancer warriors. I wanted to stop for just a moment today, and let you know what your support has made possible this week. (And yes, it is only Tuesday!)

You helped give encouragement to a researcher who has developed a program around brain tumor tissue donation. We will be sharing a lot of his work over the next few months, but sometimes, they just need to hear that their work matters. As he told me about the extremely sacrificial gift he works with in his lab, I could hear the emotion in his voice. Tears gathered in my own eyes as I thought about the sacrifice our family has made, and I hope you all know that giving families this final way to make a difference is a truly valuable gift.

You helped gather feedback on the recently launched research platform, Cavatica, from a man who has dedicated most of his nearly 70 years on this planet to cancer research. He spoke with wonder in his voice of the things he is able to accomplish with this technology – things he never thought possible!

You helped give hope to a group of innovators who are developing a big data algorithm that can make treatment recommendations based on a patient’s DNA. They had been struggling to find the amount of data needed to test their theories, and now they have a source for their work.

These were conversations filled with hope, and that is what we are funding. When we started Dragon Master Foundation, it was because we had some audacious ideas about how to help researchers. Less than four years in, we have accomplished so many of the goals we set out to achieve. There is a real-time, open access platform where hospitals can share genomic and patient data. As I type, there are more than 15 hospitals sharing that data with agreed upon data standards. That alone is more than most people thought would be possible. Like the movie Field of Dreams, this is a real life “if you build it they will come” situation.

Which leads me to the best kind of problem to have. We can’t seem to fund the progress fast enough. We have delivered a tool to the nation’s top doctors who are eager to use it, but we need to fund the data to go inside. Putting the data into Cavatica means truly empowering precision medicine. It means we will be on our way to saving lives. If you’ve ever faced cancer, for yourself or a loved one, then you know that today matters.

There’s another great quote in Field of Dreams that applies to this situation. Archie Graham says, “We just don’t recognize life’s most significant moments while they’re happening. Back then I thought, “Well, there’ll be other days”. I didn’t realize that that was the only day.” It’s easy to let days slip by without taking action, but one day, there won’t be any more chances. We have to seize the opportunity now! Not because there won’t still be data to add tomorrow, but because there are lives being lost today. Every day is life or death to someone. So let’s work with urgency now to save more lives tomorrow.