Blindsided

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Here’s the thing about grief, it doesn’t care what you’re trying to do. You can be walking along, living your life, pretending things are nearly as good as they used to be, when it just comes around a corner and blindsides you. You think you can manage and then, wham! It brings you to your knees.

Today, I flew to Pittsburgh for meetings tomorrow with doctors who are sharing their data. I’m excited about it because it gives me an inside look at how the CBTTC member hospitals collect and send in their data. There’s just one little problem. It’s also the hospital where we were told the clinical trial wasn’t working for David. It was the beginning of the end, and we all knew it.

I thought it would be ok. After all, when we left Pittsburgh, David felt great. We were still in that crazy world where they tell you your child is dying but he looked fine, felt fine. And as long as you have a treatment plan, you feel like you might beat the odds. And then comes the smack down.

In many ways, we are so appreciative of Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh. We’ve told them that – at meetings that were far from the building I’m going to tomorrow. I know that we had more quality time with David because of the work they did. But somehow, being back on the streets that we traveled with him, it felt like he should still be here. I mean, every day, it feels like he should still be here, but somehow it was just so much more overwhelming being back here.

It made me think of the many friends I have who spend their days in hospitals where their children died. They get up each day with the resolve that they will make the day a little brighter for a family traveling the path they know too well.

When I think of that, it makes my days seem easy. When I think of that, I know I can face tomorrow with a smile for those who have dedicated their lives to trying to save our children. The truth is, none of us want to be in that room tomorrow. None of us want to be dealing with the reality of childhood cancer, but we lift each other up and do what we need to do to try and save lives. Until there are cures for all.